This topic has been discussed before but until attitudes change, I think the discussion needs to continue.
It's not easy being a single Mormon. I know this because I'm a single Mormon and I've felt the almost unrelenting pressure to get married, despite the fact that I haven't met anyone that I want to marry. At one point I was actually called a spinster by a member of my family. A spinster is defined as an "unmarried woman" and I'm a man, so this accusation had a one-two punch of ridiculing me for being single AND bringing into question my manhood. I have a single friend who was once accused of being a homosexual because they weren't married at the ripe old age of 23.
This is not a doctrinal issue in the LDS Church. The Gospel of Christ isn't just for married people, it's for everyone. This issue is cultural. The Church places a great deal of emphasis on the family, this in and of itself is fine, however, it creates an attitude in the culture that anyone who isn't married is somehow less worthy of the blessings offered by the Gospel but to overcome this attitude of worthiness, single Mormons are often looked upon and treated as adolescents. This is very unfortunate because I see so many single Mormons buying into this role and behaving the way that they are treated, like a bunch of childish teenagers. This is one of the reasons why I stopped attending a singles ward. I had already been through high school and I was tired of playing those same old high school games of cliques, favoritism and people using other people to get what they want, instead of treating each other like the adults that they are.
Another reason why I stopped attending a singles ward is because the singles wards in my community have become so crowded. It's as though the singles are under so much pressure to get married that they become paralyzed. They don't want to make a mistake and marry the wrong person so they just hem and haw and date and date some more and don't commit to anything or anyone because they're afraid they're going to screw up with eternal consequences.
Marriage used to be a lot simpler, so I hear. Back in the days of an agrarian economy. People married for practical purposes. To have children to maintain the farm. Was a love a factor? As I understand it, only to a lesser degree.
Today, people want to fall in love. They want to be swept off their feet, men and women. And they feel as though it has to be that way because the media has depicted it that way.
I remember watching a movie about Emma Smith, wife of the Prophet Joseph Smith. The movie was a love story. It was a romance. It was cute and I enjoyed it but I questioned its accuracy. I wondered if the relationship between Joseph and Emma was as it was depicted in that film and the cynic in me says, "Probably not." Not in that point in history. Not in that sort of economy. Not in that type of society.
I write this from an obvious place of frustration and loneliness. I'm doing everything that I can to meet someone that I can spend the rest of my life with. And my life is already half over. But I've always known, from when I was a little boy, that I wouldn't be a young man when I got married. This was confirmed to me when I got my Patriarchal Blessing in which I was told, "In time—the Lord's time—you will meet a choice young lady..." yada yada yada.
"The Lord's Time." That's Patriarch-speak for "Sorry, son, but you're going to have to wait a while." I try to explain this to those people who ask me why I'm not married yet. That I'm not working on anyone's timeline but the Lord's. But I'm still looked upon and treated as a balding, grey-haired adolescent who obviously has something wrong with him because he's still single.
Another factor I've had to deal with is the fact that I didn't grow up in an ideal household. Is there such a thing? I picked up a lot of bad habits from parents who didn't seem to love each other, used each other and pitted their children against each other. It's taken me a long time to unlearn a lot of terrible lessons and bad examples from my youth. I figure that's another reason why I'm not married yet. Because I had to unlearn so many poor behaviors.
I sat in a Priesthood lesson recently that discussed how parents shouldn't criticize each other and be hypocrites because their children would pick up on it. They'd see it and emulate it. I felt sad as I heard this because I knew it to be true from personal experience. My parents were always criticizing each other and telling us kids about it. They were also very hypocritical in their behavior and it frustrated me and my sister to see it. To be told one thing by our parents and then to see them do the opposite.
I think I've finally reached a point where I've unlearned the worst of it. That I can move forward, progress and grow with a partner now without burdening her with a lot of that old baggage that I picked up from my dysfunctional family. But it's still taking time. The Lord's time.
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